posted 04-02-2001 09:04 PM            

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OK read this and tell me what you think.

The alarm clock was ringing in Annabel’s ears, she woke up and looked at the clock. The clock said it was 6:40. “Oh my gosh.” She said “ I am gonna be late.” She gets out of bed in a hurry and digs through her basket of clothes. She grabbs a pair of light blue jeans that are a little torn and worn at the ends, she had also grabbed a plain red v-necked shirt. She put a white t-shirt under neither since her mom is a little picky about what Annabel wears. She all ways says now now we don’t want to be a britney spears now do we.
Annie

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posted 04-02-2001 09:06 PM            

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Annie,

What do you want input on?

-e

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posted 04-02-2001 09:17 PM            

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yeah. I want to know how i can make it better and if it is a good start. I am not very good at starting stories.

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posted 04-02-2001 09:24 PM            

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As far as setting up the story goes, there'd have to be more than what you provided to base an opinion on, concerning whether or not it's going well, but... That said- It reads fairly coherently to me. There are a few touch ups that need to be made, but other than that, keep writing and post again when you have a bit more to leave us with. As of now, the story's not terribly compelling, but as mentioned previously, I can see it's only in it's beginner stage.

Keep writing - Don't lose the moment.

-e

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posted 04-02-2001 09:30 PM            

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Yeah i know i am missing a lot because to fill you in on what it is about. It is gonna be about this girl who everyone tell their probelms to. And no one listens to her at all. ANd she breaks down and goe in to thie depesstion. ANd no one seemed to want to hear what she has to say. they just want her to listen to them. ANd something bad ends up happening to her, I dont want to give it all away,
ANnie
Thanx so much. I will post again when i ahve more.

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posted 04-02-2001 09:37 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by Annie:
yeah. I want to know how i can make it better and if it is a good start. I am not very good at starting stories.

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Starting's not as important as finishing. Compare writing to getting into your car and driving with no particular place to go. Start the ignition, and just keep going until you feel you've driven as far as you think you can go with the piece. Then cut and paste, but never lose sight of why you wrote the thing in the first place.

Happy motoring,

-- B6.

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posted 04-02-2001 09:45 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by Buick6:
Starting's not as important as finishing. Compare writing to getting into your car and driving with no particular place to go. Start the ignition, and just keep going until you feel you've driven as far as you think you can go with the piece. Then cut and paste, but never lose sight of why you wrote the thing in the first place.

Happy motoring,

-- B6.

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Wow that was really good advice. No one has ever explained that to me like that. Thanx so much. Thanx you all for your help.
Annie

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posted 04-02-2001 09:49 PM            

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thanx[tm]

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posted 04-02-2001 09:50 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by Annie:
Wow that was really good advice. No one has ever explained that to me like that. Thanx so much. Thanx you all for your help.
Annie

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You're more than welcome. Success to you, Annie -- and keep working hard at it.

Sincerely,

-- B6.

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posted 04-02-2001 09:52 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by darzam:
thanx[tm]

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Hey dar! Good seeing you again.

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posted 04-02-2001 09:54 PM            

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Ok i ahve added some more but i am still gonna touch it up before i post it again.
ANnie

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posted 04-02-2001 10:11 PM            

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Here is some more.

The alarm clock loudly rings in Annabel’s ear, she wakes up and looks at the clock. The clock said it was 6:40. “Oh my gosh.” She said “ I am gonna be late.” She gets out of bed in a hurry and digs through her basket of clothes. She grabs a pair of light blue jeans that are a little torn and worn at the ends, she had also grabbed a plain red v-necked shirt. She throws her clothes on and then rushes into the bathroom to brush her teeth and hair. She then quickly throws her hair up into a messy bun. She takes a deep breath and relaxes for a second before she puts in her contacts. She then looks in the mirror and she almost walks up stairs before putting on her make up. She quickly puts it on and runs up stairs. She is stopped right as she reaches the top.” What are you wearing young lady?” Her mother says astoundedly, “ That shirt is to low cut go stick a white t-shirt under neither that.”
“mom.” Annabel whinned, “it isn’t that low cut girl wear a lot worse things then this.”
“Well they aren’t my girls now are they, She replied, “they can dressed like cheap whores all they want, but as long as you are living under my roof you go down stairs and put a another shirt on under neither that one. No go right now young lady you are gonna be late.”
“yes mother.” Annabel said as she marched down the stairs.

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posted 04-03-2001 01:54 PM            

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Ok i gotta keep this in the front. I still need help.
Annie

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posted 04-03-2001 01:59 PM            

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hmmm too many of your sentences begin with "she".

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posted 04-03-2001 05:12 PM            

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It's more important to just get the flow of the story going and worry about grammer later Annie. If you're correcting as you go, you might end up censoring yourself and that can lead to writers block.

Sounds good so far honey! I like the way you write.

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posted 04-03-2001 06:10 PM            

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I'm in agreement with fred, ANNIE. Don't worry about grammer and spelling right now. It's the least of your problems. If I corrected all the spelling errors and grammatical mishaps that occur in EVERYTHING I write, I'd never get anything finished and I'd have been admitted to a crazy house long, long ago.

In all honesty, your story is a good one. There's a lot of room in there for humour, as well as, drama. Some of the best scripts and eventual films are those that can go either way. The mother-daughter relationship was an excellent idea and I think expanding it's "role" would be extremely beneficial to the story. With the right characters and more importantly, character development, it could be a great film.

Keep the pieces coming.

-e

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posted 04-03-2001 08:57 PM            

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Thank you fred. Yeah i was going for a humuor kinda story but then it becomes a drama story the more you get in to it. But i think the more i write it the worse it gets. I have added more. I dont think i like character I added. I dont think he is gonna be a good one. But i think i could amke it work. I was reading my dads novel book thing and my writing is so amature compared to him.

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posted 04-03-2001 09:20 PM            

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Dear Annie,

I'm not a writr, but I play one on tv(joke). This is my 2 cents; take it or leave it.

Just now I got in my car (thanks to Buick 6). I had no idea where I would go. Was I going to the PGL boards? Perhaps. Was I going for another six pack of Sam Adams? Maybe.

The truth of the story lies buried within you. Tell it like you would tell me face-to-face.

We're sitting at a bar, a restaurant, wherever. You have this story you want to tell me. Tell it...

Don't worry about grammmer(sp), spelling or any of that other bullcrap....

Tell your story how 'only you' can tell it.

...and 1 more thing sweetie (cause your handle is 'Annie')...
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.
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"Hey" and "Nice to meet you:-)"bump

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posted 04-03-2001 09:21 PM            

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Here is some more. I am not gonna post my whole story. I am just gonna post until i get a good feel of my story.

“Yes mother.” Annabel said as she marched down stairs. When Annabel got back up stairs to find her friend, Nick, who is a year older then her, sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal. “Hey Anna lets go.” Nick said very casually.
“Nick you ate my breakfast.” Anna said
“Hey, like you were gonna have time to eat it.” Nick replied as he got up form the table.
Annabel and Nick walk out the door to see Nick’s VW bug. His parents had bought it for his 16th birthday. He has a very wealthy family. His father is a lawyer, a very successful lawyer. His mother is an ER doctor at the local hospital. He comes from a very successful family background. Annabel comes from a mediocre family. Her mom is a 3rd grade school teacher and her dad is an accountant. Annabel lives with her mom. Her parents divorced when she was five years old. Her dad lives in the city, her and her mom live in the suburbs of the city.

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posted 04-03-2001 09:49 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by theblondewritr:
Dear Annie,

I'm not a writr, but I play one on tv(joke). This is my 2 cents; take it or leave it.

Just now I got in my car (thanks to Buick 6). I had no idea where I would go. Was I going to the PGL boards? Perhaps. Was I going for another six pack of Sam Adams? Maybe.

The truth of the story lies buried within you. Tell it like you would tell me face-to-face.

We're sitting at a bar, a restaurant, wherever. You have this story you want to tell me. Tell it...

Don't worry about grammmer(sp), spelling or any of that other bullcrap....

Tell your story how 'only you' can tell it.

...and 1 more thing sweetie (cause your handle is 'Annie')...
.
.
.
.
"Hey" and "Nice to meet you:-)"bump

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Thanx. It is nice to meet you to. I feel like my story is going no where. I really appercitate all the help you all are giving me.
Annie

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posted 04-04-2001 02:54 PM            

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Bump. Bump. Gotta keep it a float.
Annie

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posted 04-04-2001 03:26 PM            

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It'll come to you Annie, just relax and have fun with your characters.

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posted 04-04-2001 03:34 PM            

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Annie-

This is a great start. You have the gift. One great writing excercise to try is to just sit with a pen and write for 10-15 minutes, maybe more without lifting the oen from the page. Try not to edit while you do this. Its alot of fun and you will be amazed at what will come out.

I can tell you have alot in you to write. You are a talented writer.

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posted 04-04-2001 03:41 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by SeaAvery:
Annie-

This is a great start. You have the gift. One great writing excercise to try is to just sit with a pen and write for 10-15 minutes, maybe more without lifting the oen from the page. Try not to edit while you do this. Its alot of fun and you will be amazed at what will come out.

I can tell you have alot in you to write. You are a talented writer.

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aww i am so flattered. I aish my teachers felt the same way. they dont understadn how i write. It is annoying. I am gonna try that writing thign that sounds kinda cool.
ANnie

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posted 04-04-2001 03:43 PM            

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It is unfortunate that some teachers stifle the creative process. I was lucky. I went to a very cretivity oriented school. We had couches in our classrooms. Our voices were heard. We called our teachers by their first names. I learned that writing excercise from one of my teachers actually.

This is how I write all my poetry.

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posted 04-04-2001 03:57 PM            

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That is soo cool. I go to a public school. I cheap public school. OH well. That would be such a cool school to go to. Well i gotta go later.
ANnie

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posted 04-04-2001 05:08 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by SeaAvery:
Annie-

This is a great start. You have the gift. One great writing excercise to try is to just sit with a pen and write for 10-15 minutes, maybe more without lifting the oen from the page. Try not to edit while you do this. Its alot of fun and you will be amazed at what will come out.

I can tell you have alot in you to write. You are a talented writer.

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They say that about skiing, too. Just like skiing a run without stopping, I think you'll be amazed at how tired you get. Nobody ever mentions that.

Couches in the classroom? I can't even imagine such a thing.

[This message has been edited by justdumbluck (edited 04-04-2001).]

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posted 04-04-2001 07:27 PM            

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Hey i use to ski. I never really got tired skiing my face just gotta little cold. I dont ski anymore though. Does anyone esle ski?? I tried snow boarding but it didnt work out to well.
Annie

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posted 04-04-2001 07:37 PM            

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annie,

1) nicks car. im assuming that nick just got his car. why not just say its shiny new candy apple red. do you want us to know its new.

2) instead of repeating how he comes from a wealthy background. hereis a suggestion. how about have then get in the car and have her tell the background of her family and how nick is so different but they are still good friends. you could tell us about how huge and rich nick's family is by having them drive by an exclusive part of town where she can talk about it.

are you gonna have it where the families dont get along.......

quote:

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Originally posted by Annie:
Here is some more. I am not gonna post my whole story. I am just gonna post until i get a good feel of my story.

“Yes mother.” Annabel said as she marched down stairs. When Annabel got back up stairs to find her friend, Nick, who is a year older then her, sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal. “Hey Anna lets go.” Nick said very casually.
“Nick you ate my breakfast.” Anna said
“Hey, like you were gonna have time to eat it.” Nick replied as he got up form the table.
Annabel and Nick walk out the door to see Nick’s VW bug. His parents had bought it for his 16th birthday. He has a very wealthy family. His father is a lawyer, a very successful lawyer. His mother is an ER doctor at the local hospital. He comes from a very successful family background. Annabel comes from a mediocre family. Her mom is a 3rd grade school teacher and her dad is an accountant. Annabel lives with her mom. Her parents divorced when she was five years old. Her dad lives in the city, her and her mom live in the suburbs of the city.

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posted 04-04-2001 08:42 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by quetee:
annie,

1) nicks car. im assuming that nick just got his car. why not just say its shiny new candy apple red. do you want us to know its new.

2) instead of repeating how he comes from a wealthy background. hereis a suggestion. how about have then get in the car and have her tell the background of her family and how nick is so different but they are still good friends. you could tell us about how huge and rich nick's family is by having them drive by an exclusive part of town where she can talk about it.

are you gonna have it where the families dont get along.......

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OK that is a good idea about the car. But my dad was telling me that i should only have the stuff that will be important later on in there. Liket he families arent even really part of it. I just thought thought I needed to say more aboutt he characters. The conflict in my story is that Annabel gets depressed and it starts out becasue no one wants to listen to her. They jsut want her to help them through whatever thing they are going through. and then Nick her best friend Notices what is going on with Annabel and trys to help. But now that she has gotten deeper in the Depresstion she isnt gettign out of it. And then she ends up doing soemting to ehr self and then Nick is sad about what has happened to her. and then you find out that he has feeling for her more then just friends. But it is to late. ANd then he regrets not telling her sooner and gettign her more help. I would tell you more but i dont want to Ruin it because i will send it to you when i am done. Ok but does that make more sense now or not?

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posted 04-04-2001 08:48 PM            

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Here is some more

On the way to school Nick made Annabel listen to his new CD. Who knows what band it was, Nick listens to the oddest music. Annabel was digging through her backpack making sure she had everything in her hurry to get out the door.

A few minutes passed and Nick turned down the CD player and started to talk to Annabel. “Hey have you heard anything from what’s his face?” Nick asked in a why him tone.
“Yeah.” Annabel answered as she took a deep breath, “I don’t like him anymore. We are just friends now.”
“Oh.” Nick said, “Good. I didn’t like him anyway.”
“Really?” Annabel said, “Since when do you care about who I go out with?”
“well, I feel as you best friend.” Nick said in a caring voice, “I need to watch out for who you go out with. I know what us manly strong guys are like.”
Annabel laughs “ that sweet. Just don’t be like my mother. Sheesh I don’t know how I handle her.”
“ I like your mom.” Nick said, “She feeds me. Yum. She makes the best sandwiches.”
Annabel laughs at her friend who is rubbing his stomach and licking his lips. Sitting in a few minutes of silence Annabel realizes she had forgot to tell Nick something. “Oh hey. I forgot to tell you what Lisa told me.” Annabel says.
“What did she tell you?” Nick asked, “Ya know no one ever tells me any of their secrets. You are the only one really. Well out of girls. They never tell me anything.”
“ That’s because you are a guy and this is girly stuff. Hey I tell you everything.” Annabel says in a cheery voice.
“Yeah. Well tell me what Lisa told you.” Nick states.
“Ok, It was 3rd period and I am in science then you know and we had gotten homework and we had 20 minutes to work on it. And Lisa came over and started talking to me about her boyfriend.” Annabel says
“Yeah she always talks about her boyfriend.” Nick remarks.
“Yeah I know. Well back to my story.” Annabel says. “Her boyfriend wants her to go all the way, but she isn’t sure about it yet. I was just like are you serious? You have been only dating him for a month not even. And she was like I know but I love him. And then I said some how I doubt you are in love you are only 15.”
“Dude, that is gonna be one happy guy.” Nick says has he is laughing, “she will most likely do it. She is that way.”
“I know, but I wouldn’t do it.” Annabel says.
“ And about that love thing. You can be 15 and in love.” Nick says as he looks at Annabel.
“ No you cant. They think it is love but it is just foolishness.” Annabel debates.
“Well you believe whatever you want to believe.” Nick gives up knowing he will never win this.

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posted 04-05-2001 03:14 AM            

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Bump

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posted 04-05-2001 05:46 AM            

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Morning BUMP.

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posted 04-05-2001 09:37 PM            

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Thanx bumping. I havent written anything new yet. I dont know how to make the conflic come in. Does anyone have any ideas?
ANnie

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posted 04-06-2001 03:25 PM            

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Hey Bump Bump Bump

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posted 04-08-2001 03:54 PM            

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BUMP BUMP
Keep bumping

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posted 04-09-2001 04:04 PM            

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Annie, WHATCHA GOT???

We're waiting...

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posted 04-09-2001 09:02 PM            

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Oh ok. It is coming

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posted 04-09-2001 09:05 PM            

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. Nick and Annabel arrive at school. Annabel steps out of the car and stretches and yawns. Nick and Annabel walk in to the school and greet some friends that were waiting at the door. Nick goes off with his guy friends and Annabel is talking to her friend Rachael.
“What’s up?” Rachael yells at Annabel from a ways down the hall.
“Hey. What’s going on?” Annabel asked.
“Oh my gosh. I so hate Tara. That bitch can go and screw every frickin guy.” Rachael yells, “ I swear I am about to smack the bitch so hard her fake tits will fall out.”
Annabel laughs at the last remark “ I think she has already screwed every guy here.”
“Probably.” Rachael answered, “ Do you know what she said to me?”
“No, What did she say?” Annabel asked.
“She was like hey Rachael like every guy likes me and Mark and Jesse like me too.” Rachael explains, “And you know how me and Mark are on the little break thing. Ya know well Mark wrote me three notes. The first one says Hey Are we gonna be just good friends but do more things then friends do and then at the end It says I love you lots. The second note says I love you in big letters and then the third note says I like Tara. I like her a little more then you.” Rachael says taking a moment of silence to watch the look on Annabel’s face.
“Oh my god, are you serious?” Annabel said.
“Yeah I just looked at her and walked away. I was this close to smack her so hard.” Rachael says aggressively.
“I think Tara is a dumb ass because you don’t tell a friend or a person that their boyfriend likes them too.” Annabel exclaims, “That is just rude and unthoughtful. I mean come on how dumb would you be to say that to someone, especially a friend.”
“I know.” Rachael says.
“ I don’t know how you could be friends with her.” Annabel says, “ I never liked her. I knew this crap was gonna happen. Cause haven’t you ever wondered why she cant keep a friend. She gets mad at people for no reason. She dumps a guy and gets mad at them for no reason what so ever. It bothers the hell out of me. I don’t know how you ever put up with it.”
“ Anna we were like best friend.” Rachael explains, “Then she turns around and does all this stuff.”
Annabel answers in an angered tone, “ I don’t know how you could have ever been that good of friends with her. You have called me crying. Rachael not mad but crying. She lies to you and makes you feel horrible stuff. What kind of friend is that? I don’t call that being a good friend. I call that being selfish and a bitch.”
“I know,” Rachael says. Has she takes in what Annabel is saying. “ I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I have to go talk to Molly now she said she needed to tell me something.”
“Okay later. “ Annabel says as Rachael walks off. Annabel walks down the hall to her locker. As she was opening her locker another one of her friends came up to her.
“Anna did you hear what happened to Jessica?” Laura asked Annabel.
“No, What happened?” Annabel asked
“She killer her self.” Laura tells Annabel.
Annabel looks up from her locker at Laura in disbelief. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah. She was home alone and she took a kitchen knife, and cut her wrists. Her mom came home just in time. She found her laying in a big pool of blood on the floor in her bathroom.” Laura explains
“That is so awful.” Annabel says mournfully, “ I feel responsible.”
“Why?’ asked Laura
“Because she called me last night asking for some advice and I was busy and I told her I couldn’t talk and she had said she really needed to talk to me about something.” Annabel is trying to hold back the tears when she tells Laura, “ I just told her I really had to write this paper. I thought it was just about her boyfriend dumping her. I never knew it would have been anything like that.” Annabel grabs her books for her first hour class and walks away from Laura and goes to first hour. The day passes slowly as more people burden Annabel with their problems not noticing how upset Annabel is over Jessica. When fourth period came, the last period of the day, Annabel took out her paper she had written instead of talking to Jessica. Annabel sits there and stares at the paper. Almost in tears she rips the paper into pieces. By the time fourth period was done Annabel was warn out with all the problems she was dealing with that day. She meets Nick at his locker. She walks up and just leans on the locker next to his. He looks at her and sees the guilt and hurt in her eyes. From just looking at her he knew was wrong and he gave her a big hug as she let the tears slip. “Oh Anna it’s ok.” Nick says trying to reassure her, “ It wasn’t your fault, she would have probably done it anyway. There was something there you couldn’t fix.” Nick pulls Annabel’s long dark brown almost black hair out of her eyes and behind her shoulders. He looks at her and says, “ It isn’t your fault.” He repeats this to her.
“Yes it is. I should have talked to her. I should have known something was wrong. Friends know that kind of stuff.” Annabel says as Nick wipes away the tears.
“ She had seemed fine yesterday. No one would have guessed she was depressed. This isn’t you fault.” Nick says as he trys to reassure Annabel again.
“ You don’t understand. It is my fault. I am the one that always handles everyone problems. I was suppose to be there and I wasn’t. I am suppose to have the answers.” Annabel is sobbing her eyes out by now.
“ No it isn’t your fault. You aren’t always the one who is suppose to handle everyone’s’ problems and you don’t have all the answers and no should expect you to have all the answers.” Nick says trying to make Annabel stop crying. “Well what do you say we go to my house and pig out and watch movies?” Annabel agrees. Nick and Annabel walk down the hallway to the doors.

They arrive at Nick’s house. No one is home. Nick’s parents work late hours so usually the two hang out for a while at Nick’s house and then when Annabel’s mom gets home go over there and eat dinner. Well Nick opens the door for Annabel. Annabel walks in the house with her head down and throws her book down on a chair. She goes and plops down on one of the big gushy leather couches in front of the T.V. Nick wonders in over to the big Black case that hold the movies and DVD’s.
“What do you want to watch a DVD or movie?” Nick asks in a quite voice
“ How about a DVD.” Annabel answers as her voice cracks in the middle of the sentence.
“ Ok…… ummmmm…. How about Mallrats?” Nick asks
“Ok.” Annabel answers as she lies on the couch with her eyes close. Nick walks over and sticks in the DVD. He comes over and lifts up Annabel’s feet and sits down and then puts her feet on her lap. She lies there with her eyes close taking in everything that has happened in one school day.
“ Do you want o get some pig out food?” Nick asks trying to cheer Annabel up some.
Annabel stares at Nick and then asks, “ How can you not feel bad?”
“ I do. I feel awful about it. I can’t do anything about it now. I will miss her a lot and I know things wont be the same but we just have to except it. And plus one of us has to be strong.” Nick explains to Annabel.
“ Lets go get some ice cream.” Annabel says after clearing her throat. Nick gets up and gives Annabel a piggyback ride in to the kitchen since Annabel didn’t want to get up. By the time they reached the kitchen Nick had almost dropped Annabel. They grab some Rocky Road ice cream and 2 spoons. They go back up stairs to where the movie is playing. Now Nick has his arm around Annabel and she is leaning on him as they eat the ice cream. By the time the movie was done it was about 4:30 pm and they decide to go to Annabel’s house. When they got there Annabel’s mom wasn’t home. They checked the answering machine. There was one message. It was from Annabel’s mom. “Hi honey I am gonna be late tonight I have a meeting with a parent. It might take a while. So there is 15 dollars on my dresser take it and go out and bring home some food. OK love you honey bye.” Nick has a frown on his face, Annabel turned around and laughed “ She will be home on time tomorrow and you can have some home cooked food.”
“I Love your moms food. It is so yummy.”, Nick says, “ I want pasta. She makes the best pasta.”
“ Well you wanna go get something for dinner?” Annabel asks.
“Sure. What do you want?” Nick asks
“How about we go to Bob’s and get whatever there.” Annabel suggested.
“Sounds go to me.” Nick answers. Two weeks pass, Annabel still morns her friend but as accepted what had happened. Her and Nick went to the funeral and the visitati

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posted 04-10-2001 08:23 PM            

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Hey BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP

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All times are PT (US)