posted 01-22-2001 05:53 PM            

Pg. 1 - A GLARING ERROR! Los Angeles is misspelled in your s/p.

1. either cut the sidewalks are crowded from your EXT. description or from the EXT description that follows next b/c it's redundant.

2. Intro characters description before you give them dialouge.
3. Waitress is a character - CAPITALIZE it
put a comma after irritated.

Pg. 2 - He ordered and you had a waitress there - where did she go? You need to tell us she wrote it down, she memorized the order or she did a SHOUT OUT. Something that lets the reader/audience know where'd she go?

Pg. 1. MICHAEL, 27 is dressed impeccably carrying a newspaper, talking on his cell phone walks down the sidewalk. (it would read better to write it like this)

a) you already told us its a crowded sidewalk
b) now we know who he is - everything & it is better to have it all set up on pg. 1 rather than give us tid bits of description of your character on each scene b/c first you have him (O.S.) then the next scene he's at a restaurant on a cell phone. Can be confusing. The way you wrote it he could have been mumbeling to himself, but I think you meant he's walking down the sidewalk on the crowded streets in LA at lunch time talking on the cell phone, then he suddenly has a newspaper. You really need to re-write these scenes and make it clear on pg 1.

Did he just walk down the street then appears sitting at a table? I think it would look better to have him walk into the restaurant, they seat him right away (gives another deminsion to your character - he is important and has power)

Pg. 2 - Okay I'm confused. You write: "the man dressed all in black" as though we know who this is? You describe him in detail, yet no name? You need to INTRO CHARACTERS, GIVE DESCRIPTION AND NAME AND CAPITALIZE THE NAME BEFORE YOU GIVE THEM DIALOGUE.

Pg. 3 Writer - if it is "pushing ninety" degrees in LA - that's HOT. Why would you have Michael wearing a treach coat on pg. 1? Need to be careful writer.

Pg. 4 - "the man in black is still at the same distance as if he is not gaining any ground"....
Is he moon walking that doesn't make sense!

I'm sorry writer, but no way would ANY ATTORNEY whose eating his lunch react like this when a stranger just plops down at his corner of the world. And I am your worst critic b/c I spent a lot of time on research for a s/p about attorney's how they dress, act, speech, etc. They are arrogant, controllers mostly, and they would never just give a look like "what the fuck" as you wrote it. They would SAY IT. Take it out of description and give it as dialogue to Michael.

"unsure of how to react" - no way. They are self assured. they know how to react. Re-think this and re-write it. Read Grubby's s/p - he has an arrogant attorney character and I think that will help you. Or go hang out at the court house and watch them.

Pg. 6 - That was your opening? Pages 1-6?
(I think it would be a better opening if you had the child abducted, then he's got to get this defendent off no matter what it takes, take us inside the courtroom to watch him do that, take us someplace and he bribes someone. I know a couple of attorneys who will pay to get a convicted man released or pay a psychologist for an evaluation to get his client off. Come on do some reseach and it will make this really a hot script, then have the defendent found guilty, and Michael has to resort to changing sides and goes after the cartel to get his son back, dump the rest of that killing the waitress, Chris killing the mystery men etc.)

Pg. 8 - "and lands against the end cap full of chips" - that line doesn't make sense to me. What is an end cap full of chips?

Pg. 8 - We were just in Colorado and now he pulls up to a church in LA - wow that was fast.
Should write it like this:

EXT. CHRIS CAR - EVENING
Chris is behind the wheel and parks. He gets out and walks toward the church.

EXT. CHRUCH - LOS ANGELES - CONTINUOUS
It's old and full of history.

INT. CHURCH
Chris enters and stops at the table, he sees a picture of Michael mounted in a frame.

First Michael is in LA, he's an attorney, plea bargaining and getting the waitress' phone number and a man in black appears tells him this time don't say no and if that don't scare you - then he shoots the waitress just as she's bringing him her phone number, turkey sandwich and another ice tea? Then we are in Colorado with his friend and we flashback a couple of times to their childhood and then we learn Michael was shot in 1991 and now the friend drives up to the church and it is now the funeral of Michael in Dec. 2001.

Pg. 8 - FLASHBACK #3

Pg. 9 - No way do they have a funeral in a Catholic Church and leave the body in the casket inside the church all night.

Pg. 9 - Who is mystery person? Is this the same man in black who was back on pg 4?

Pg. 10 - Okay I get it. This is how to write it.
Chris hears something. He turns around, nothing. He kneels down and begins to pray and a noise again. Chris turns and sees nothing. Don't say a mystery man is lurking around. Just let the audience watch through the Priests eyes as Chris runs out and then Michael scares him in the car later.

Pg. 12 - remove in description "the view is of the outside of the diner."
EXT. DINER - NIGHT is your slug line so we already have that information.

Pg. 14 - This dialogue is not realistic.

Pg. 14 - Okay you now have your character describing what the audience already knows and saw from pgs. 1-4. You don't need to write it again. Michael just witnessed a shooting, he was shot as a kid, he's scared as hell now, he needs something from the friend obviously or why hide in the back seat of the car - write the scene with that motivation for your character.

Pg. 16 - "I've been sleeping in abandoned warehouses. One night when I wasn't there, the place went up in flames. My best guess is some homeless guy found my stash, stold my personal stuff and ended up dying in the fire. I feel bad for the guy, but at least
the heats off me".

I thought he didn't know whose body was in the coffin?- then you gave him the above dialogue. That doesn't make any sense.
Writer, you know when you are being lied to when it doesn't make sense.

Pg.19 - Oh the funeral is tomorrow. Writer - you need to do re-search - Catholic churches do NOT have the DEAD BODY lay in the casket waiting for the funeral to begin the next day. The caskets are brought in before Mass begins and it is taken out after the Mass ends and everyone follows to the burial ground and it is usually put in the ground asap! Couple of prayers, throw the dirt, flowers, people say amen and sympathies and they all leave and the rest of the burial is taken care of.

Pg. 21 - Why didn't Michael go to the hotel and sleep with his friend? That doesn't make sense if his friend is in town and he tells him the deal, why not just go with him to the hotel.

Pg. 21 - FLASHBACK #4

Pg. 28 - He walks down the hallway toward the bathroom then you write, "Michael throws himself against the wall behind the tree"

How did he get outside? Are there trees inside the restaurant? I don't get this.

Pg. 31 - Should be you're not your
Why would Mafia guys try to kill Chris when their target is Michael? Doesn't add up.

Pg. 33 - Oh they want to kill him for his trust fund, but I thought you said b/c of the guy he was defending - to get him off? doesn't add up.

Pg. 35 - INT. JENNIFER'S BEDROOM
(then we know where we are, don't write it in description.

Pg. 36 - Remove the duplicate slug line
pg. 37 same thing.

Pg. 38 - Why are you giving description of the hotel room here? It should be on pg. 34

Pg. 40 - Did they steal another car?
you wrote on pg 32 INT. BMW
now you write: INT. CAR

pg. 45 - INT. CAR DESERT ROAD - CONTINOUS
How can this be continous when the scene before was Jennifer watching Oprah in COLORADO?

Pg. 51 - You write: "why didn't he love me?"
But in the monologue you wrote SHE. Which is it a he or she? I'm confused.

pg. 55 - Again you repeat what we read and then dialogued it. You don't need to do that.

Pg. 59 - FLASHBACK #5

Pg. 63 - you should have opened with the abduction of the son, it doesn't make sense to put it this late in the s/p

Pg. 84,85 - Now we learn Michael faked his own death, was on the take with drug cartel, his son was abducted by the drug cartel, he didn't tell his wife about it, used his friend to get him to Mexico, he's working for the cartel for years, he lied about everything and he did it so they could be kids again.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You need to re-think this reasoning of the why's of your character and his motivation with his friend. Saying he did it so they could be kids again makes your character come across as a whacko! Nuts! Crazy in the head! I don't particularly like attorneys, but even this doesn't do it for me.

Pg. 89 - That's not the truth I'am his uncle, but it is Jesus Salazar that is my brother and he is Michael's father.

WRITER: So his father was married to his mothers brother? AS IN INCEST? WRITER? ARE YOU SURE?

My name is Iinigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die....is all I have to say about that thinking.

Pg. 90 "just when I think nothing else can shock me" ..........too late writer, you shocked me alright.

Pg. 97 - Chris is back in Mexico to help Michael. Boy I was so shocked.

By now I expected to see Mr. T arrive.

I didn't hate it, but you really have to do research b/c you don't want an attorney in the audience or a Catholic saying, "that doesn't happen"....just as I knew it didn't. You need to make it realistic and too many times you left the real world and landed in Oz and created TV spoof's and that isn't interesting.

And writer, when you have a glaring spelling error of the city where your script opens - and you have 5 FLASHBACK scenes is all an indication to the Hollywood boys - you don't know what you are doing and your s/p will find it's way so fast into the dumpster, you won't know what hit it. Fix the errors in this and have someone read your dialogue back to you so you can hear how it sounds. It needs to sound realistic.

I know you're going to just hate my review of this, but story can change and can be fixed - the errors are so rampant throughout the s/p that it needs a lot of re-writing.

Good luck,

posted 01-22-2001 05:55 PM            

Good luck,

posted 01-24-2001 03:15 PM            

superior review. as thorough as can be, just like uhuru, who critiqued HEARTSICK, if you want to check it out--this s.p. made it to the top 30's as well.

i'm doing what you two are doing: giving these winners a reality check, 'cause their s.p. are not that hot, evidently.

posted 01-25-2001 02:24 PM            

Thank you very much for spending the time to give such a detailed review. I want you to understand though, that what you are reading is the FIRST DRAFT, written from the gut. I didn't have any time before the deadline to go back and re-write, as I have been for the last few months. So, most of what you have mentioned has already been corrected. I assumed that most people reading these realized that these are works in progress, as all screenplays are, right up until principal photography.

the only thing that makes me laugh is your misunderstanding of the relationship between Michael and Jesus. No one else got confused, and don't worry, there was no incest. (they already did that in "Chinatown") Jesus is Michael's father. Jesus was married to Micheal's mother. And Hector is Jesus' brother

But anyway...

posted 01-25-2001 05:48 PM            

I respect you. I want you to know that. I checked in here a couple of times and saw that you were re-writing as people reviewed and that shows me and GL that you are a writer who is dedicated to what you are doing. Funny that you wrote the opening the way I thought too - like minds are great minds eh? It will really make your opening "hot".

Thanks for clearing up the Hector, Jesus I thought mom was related to Hector as in that was her brother thats why I thought incest! But no biggy.

I know my review was "harsh", but I also know it will make your script "stand out". I'm pleased to see that you have been one of the people who has put his nose to the grindstone and worked to make your script even better.

And I hope GL executives and the other "readers" that lurk these boards, you know I know you, will take that into consideration and give this guy a break!

Good luck to you Darqium,

posted 01-26-2001 12:07 AM            

This is the first script I ever wrote (well... actually completed), so I would be a fool to get defensive. Plus, as I have heard from some of the others, some reviewers are just MEAN. You weren't, you were constructive and you obviously put a lot of time into your thoughts. We're all amateurs here and trying to learn.

I hope others keep this in mind and keep an open mind when reviewing any script.

posted 01-26-2001 08:26 PM            

Thanks. Keep up the good work.