posted 06-21-2001 09:26 AM            

Baby, don't leave me like this. Let Smoove D put some Klymaxx on the CD player and turn the lights down real low. I'll put on my crimson silk bathrobe. Let me slow dance with you and give you pleasure until the break of dawn. Whatever reason you may have for walking out that door, you'll forget about it once I start to shake you down.

Come back here, sweet thing. I'll set everything right. I'll profess my love to you. I'll get down on my knees. I'll take your hand in a very tender manner and whisper in your ear, "Baby, you mean everything to me. I can't live without you. I'll do whatever it takes to win your love."

I will then rub jasmine-scented massage oil on your feet. I will rub your feet hour after hour. I will also rub your legs. Then, I will draw an exotic bubble bath for you, with only the finest bath oils to rub into your soft, creamy skin. And I will stand by your side and hold your towel for as long as it takes for you to become soothed by the bath. I will stand until my feet are tired from standing, just to give you a moment of pleasure.

There will also be some candles in the bathroom.

Baby, here are just a few of the food items that you remind me of: luscious, chocolate pudding; ripe, red strawberries dipped in whipped cream; succulent, newly picked apricots.

For you, I would charter a special jet to France to purchase a rich, fluffy eclair from the finest eclair establishment in the south of France. I would deliver it to you at our dinner table on top of a silk pillow.

Aw, baby, I just want to get freaky with you right here on this hardwood floor. Right now.

Whatever I did, baby, I'm sorry. But it doesn't have to be like this. Don't leave. Did I say something wrong? If I did, I take it back. Sometimes I say things without thinking first, but I'm always thinking of you. Every corner of my mind is overcome with thoughts of you. There is no room for anything else, because the thought of you takes up all my brain. It's a total Love TKO.

Don't leave me, baby. I'll caress your hair.

posted 06-21-2001 11:21 AM            

Damn.

Boy, ever since you walked out that door, I lie awake at night in my large, circular canopy bed. And every night, I pick up the phone and dial your number. But you never answer.

Sometimes I cry out, "Baby, please pick up that phone," in the hopes that you will hear me and pick up the phone. But since you still have not picked up the phone, I have decided to write to you in this thread. Surely, this will reach your heart.

All I want to say to you is, baby, I'm sorry. Smoove D never meant to do you like that. You were the only man who made a difference in my world. You were my one true guy.

If you would just pick up that phone, I know I could make everything all right. I would remind you that Smoove D can keep you satisfied all through the night. I can be the freak of your dreams, if you would only come back and give me the chance.

If you take me back, I swear I would be the best lover you have ever had. I can take you to the next level.

I would take you to the finest hotel in the city and order room service for us. We would dine on the finest crab and a side order of carrots, or some such vegetable, cooked to perfection. We would feed each other in the most romantic fashion. We would eat gelato topped with hot fudge, and perhaps sprinkles.

In addition, we would laugh and have tender moments together.

After eating, I would massage you with scented oils from the Orient. I would reduce your hunky body to jelly. You would be so relaxed that nothing else would matter except you and me, and the love we share. And we would ride together on a caravan of love all night long.

Did I mention that we would be listening to Jodeci on the CD player? We would be. I guarantee it.

You are my sugar. I'll climb up on your saddle, and give it to me good. Ride your pony just like 'Lil Pokey did it.

Boy, if you would just pick up the phone and give me the chance to express to you how I feel, I know you would come back into my life. I would tell you that you are more important to me than the stars in the sky. You would not believe the places I would touch you if you would just be my guy once more.

Aw, baby, I'm down on my knees. Please come back to me. Come back to me so that I can make you the happiest man in the entire world.

If you just pick up the phone, I would tell you that I want to give you nothing but pleasure all through the night. I would take you to a level you have never been to before--not with any woman, not even with Justina.

I will loan you money also, if you need any.

I want to be your woman. Answer the phone, and I will prove my love for you.

Let me freak you.

posted 06-21-2001 11:31 AM            

Girl, get that sarcastic silliness back and fast.

No groveling or proclamations of unrequited love! You don't want to sound like C6, do you?

(i know this is all a joke, but still)

posted 06-21-2001 12:11 PM            

mission impossible!

but don't let me stop you.

posted 06-21-2001 12:43 PM            

It means that it's so unlikely, it just might work!

Not that you're NOT a smoove lover!

Just that anybody chasing anybody so hard eventually and inevitably results in the other one.. running like hell!

posted 06-21-2001 01:22 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by a true faux cavalier:
I am certain I speak for safetydancer when I say "Eeeeeeeuw!".

PS: He's married.

---

shut up....

posted 06-22-2001 01:04 PM            

Here is my response letter:

Dear smoove d,

If you were a moose, I would hunt you down like a wild animal. If you were a moose, you would be a wild animal, so I guess that doesn't make much sense. Also, if you were a moose, chances are I would never even meet you because where I live there aren't any moose at all. As well, I don't even go hunting, so that part is not exactly relavant, either. I would probably try hunting you down but end up getting lost in the woods, scared, alone and hungry. And I would have no clue where you were and then I'd probably accidently shoot myself in the leg and then bleed to death.

Other than that, it would be very romantic. If I didn't have a wife and if you weren't a moose.

posted 06-22-2001 01:22 PM            

You are looking very fine. I am serious.

But I am not here to tease you with words. Compliments and flattery are nice, but I can offer you much, much more. After you hear what I have to say, I am certain you will agree that I got what you need.

When we are together, I will not merely whisper into your ears sweet words that will melt your heart and prove to you that you are the most precious creature I have ever laid my eyes upon. No, in addition to such various whisperings, I will provide you with all the love a real safety dancing fool like yourself requires. I will pamper you. I will wine you and dine you. I will buy you candy apples and # 2 pencils. I will make your dreams come true.

I will sex you wild like the wildest moose in the forest.

First, I will take you to the finest in entertainment and shows. Together, we will enjoy the ballet, the opera and Luther. I will dress in an expensive Armani suit and take you by the hand and lead you to our exclusive box seats at the concert. We will be surrounded by the majesty of the arts, including a theater that is very old and has seats that are upholstered with luxurious red velvet. It will be exquisite.

I will then provide you with fine dining. We will consume a meal at the finest four-star restaurant in the city. We will be served lobster, oysters, caviar and cheese and moose feed. I will order this meal in French, which will make you terribly excited. We will be served fine wine, french bread and corn. It will be a meal for a king and queen.

There will also be cloth napkins.

Upon completion of the meal, I will take you on a walk through the park. The lights of the city will sparkle around us. The moon will be visible, as well. We will take a ride in a luxurious limousine that contains a TV, all at my expense. We WILL watch Benson and then Family Ties together. I will provide the $70 necessary for this romantic ride.

Boy, it will then be time for me to give you my moose love. We will return to my lavish apartment, and I will remove all your clothes, including your wife-beater, your Superman Underoos and your smelly purple socks. I will take my time and not make a single mistake.

I will then direct you to my bedroom, where I have a king-sized bed. I have satin sheets that have been imported from the most prestigious satin-producing country within the entire Orient. These sheets will be sparkling clean, as they will have been washed with only the finest laundry detergents and cleaning agents purchasable at the local grocery or 99 cents store.

Then, I will lick you with my moose's tongue in the most romantic manner possible. And even though we will make love the whole night through, you will paw the ground for more.

Boy, let me repeat it for you--I got what you need. I promise.

Peace.

posted 06-22-2001 01:39 PM            

Smoove D, I don't know what to make of your letters. Are you coming on to me? Is this an advance? There is a lot of ambiguity in what you have written. I'm not sure if you're saying you are interested in me or not.

Perhaps you could try to clear this up as I find myself rather confused and uncertain.

posted 06-22-2001 02:06 PM            

boy, please allow me to break it down for you.

you are the love of my life, and i would travel to the ends of the earth to prove my love for you. i would fly to europe in order to personally select the finest champagne for you to drink. i would climb to the peak of the highest mountain to demonstrate that my lower-back muscles are powerful and won't give out. i would weave for you the most comfortable silk sheets ever known to creation or planet pgl.

i am the woman for you, and i will make you want to get down and get funk-ass nasty with me. i will make you scream and shout all hours of the night. i will make sweet love to you like no woman has ever before.

in addition to all of that, i will wash you. i will also wash your smelly purple sock(s) in tide.

every time i see you, you will be presented with a lovely gift. i will give you a golden rolex that shines like sparkles of sunlight on the ocean. i will give you huge silver ghetto-style necklace that beams like the moon in the evening. i will give your mother earrings that are more beautiful than a flock of seagulls or some such other type of romantic bird.

you are the finest creature in the world, and i promise that i will freak you wild. We will do the freak in the bed. we will do the freak on the floor. we will also do the freak in the bathtub.

at this time, you may desire to know how i will treat you before we freak. baby, let me break it down for you:

first, i will pick you up at your apartment dressed in a shimmering, gold satin valentino dress with a plunging neckline. at that point, i will present a gift of a dozen roses to you. also, i will be polite and not enter your home until you verbally invite me in.

then we will take a romantic horse-and-carriage ride to dine at the most expensive restaurant we can find. we will eat a meal of boiled lobsters and enjoy greens and fine wine and maybe some okra. the waiter will do my every bidding, bringing whatever i ask, be that butter, salt, extra sauce, more napkins, or even an additional serving of boiled lobsters.

there will be bread also.

next, we will attend an exquisite broadway musical. we will enjoy the finest singing, dancing and showmanship that is available anywhere. we will be among the upper crust of society, enjoying a night of theater. there may be clowns.

when the show is completed, we will return to your apartment, and you will change into a red silk lounging robe. i will then lead you to the balcony of your apartment, which looks out over the city. your red robe will cascade to the ground underneath you as i run my fingers softly over the smooth skin of your ankles. the breeze will send a chill up and down your spine. next,iI will run my fingers softly over the remaining portions of your body, including the arms, neck and hair and perchance, an earlobe or two.

boy, tell me that you are excited at this stage. i know that you are.

i want to hold you tight in my arms and swear to you that i will be your woman forever. i want to look deep into your eyes so you will know by the seriousness of my gaze that i will put a sting in you.

you and me, baby. we will freak crazy.

damn.

posted 06-22-2001 02:29 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by safetydancer:
So you DO like me?

---

posted 06-22-2001 02:49 PM            

boy, if you have any question in your mind as to whether i can satisfy you, bring your body to me now.

smoove d will satisfy you.

bring it on to me, and i will love you like nobody can. not even rollerfink. i will sex you like nobody can. i will freak you like nobody can. not even salty.

i am ready for you now.

lay your body down, and i will show you love. i will drape you in the finest black silks. or purple maybe. i will travel to the finest asian nations to attain this silk. then, i will run my fingers through your hair. unless you shave again. i will caress your body slowly and whisper in your ear while i do so. i will tell you such things as, "you are the most bootylicious man in the world" and "your skin is like the most expensive swiss chocolate money can buy" and "your eyes are like windows to paradise," and other romantic things that will make you tremble with desire.

all you have to do is tell me what to do and when to stop. and i promise, you will not want it to stop until the break of dawn.

bring your body to me now, and i will show you a night of love that you have never known. i will take you to a level that no lover could ever take you. we will be in the atmosphere. i will take you higher and higher, to heaven and even further. we will be love astronauts, colonizing other planets with our passion. we will bump to jupiter. grind to pluto.

did i mention we will be listening to rick james? yes, we will.

damn.

the next morning, i will cook breakfast for you. i will fry up several eggs, each in a different style for you to choose from. there will be scrambled eggs, fried eggs, boiled eggs, baked eggs and even egg sandwiches. there will be a smorgasbord of taste sensations for your tender lips to enjoy. there will also be eggplant.

i will then pick a beautiful red rose from outside the bedroom window and put it in an elegant glass vase upon your food tray. the tray will be only the finest food tray from the far reaches of the earth.

i will also serve cereal.

aw, please, boy. bring your sugar to me, and i will show you that my back is strong. that is important.

baby, i want your sugar right now. freak me on my desk right this second. Give it up to smoove d. take a ride on my caravan of amore.

i am the woman of your dreams and desires. i will satisfy you, if only you would allow me the pleasure. i will swear on my honor as a woman that i will do you right until the morning light. i will fulfill your every wish. and i will use oils if necessary. crisco AND pure virgin olive oil.

did i mention that we wil be listening to rick james? yes, we will.

so, in conclusion, let me summarize by saying that i will drape you in silk and hit you doggy-style, then i will feed you eggs of every kind and variety, and my back is strong.

bring it.

on.

posted 06-22-2001 03:03 PM            

This is what I'm pretty sure you are telling me:

1. You have a strong back and that is important.

2. You like eggs.

These are the issues which I hope you can resolve by clarifying for me:

1. What kind of cereal?

2. Are you hitting on me?

posted 06-22-2001 03:09 PM            

1. i have a strong back and that is important.

2. you will like all of my variety of eggs. even the dry ones. even the ostrich.

list b:

1. what kind of cereal? raisin bran, lucky charms, boo berry, albertson's rice crispies. all mixed together. it is nice.

2. i will hit you doggy-style

i am willing to open up. a lot.

did i mention we will be listening to rick james and eddie murphy who wants to party all the time? yes, we will.

get back.

posted 06-22-2001 03:11 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by salty j. leftist:
please stop hitting safetyDANcer. he is a fragile marine.

---

stop it.

posted 06-22-2001 03:23 PM            

I didn't know you had a plant. What kind of plant is it? I love plants. Why didn't you say anything in the beginning about your plants? I, unfortunately, was born with two left thumbs and have been rendered completely incompetent in the field of horticulture.

PS-- Do you like bobbing for apples, too?

posted 06-22-2001 03:37 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by safetydancer:
Let me see if I'm understanding what it is EXACTLY you are trying to tell me.

This is what I'm pretty sure you are telling me:

1. You have a strong back and that is important.

2. You like eggs.

These are the issues which I hope you can resolve by clarifying for me:

1. What kind of cereal?

2. Are you hitting on me?

I think if you can answer those two questions, we'll be moving in the right direction. I've always believed that open communication, direct, honest talk is the best solution for anything. If you are willing to open up a little and discuss this, then I think we can get to the bottom of it all.

---

oh god. hahahahahahahahahaha. <growl> hahahahahahahaha <gurgle> hahahahahahaha.

all this talk of cereal is making me hungry. but i'm out of milk.

d, if your plan is painfully pseudo earnest patho-sexual-terrorist tactics, i think you've found the only man who might be up for the job, using the blunt force of cryptic humor.

carry on.

posted 06-22-2001 04:01 PM            

and safety, baby:

and of course:

anything for you, lover

**kisses**

posted 06-22-2001 04:18 PM            

i am soooooo in....

posted 06-22-2001 04:23 PM            

"love knows no boundaries"