posted 01-14-2001 06:17 PM            

Everytime you use WE FOLLOW it removes the reader from the script. You can remove all of that and make the script much more visual. Try it and you'll see what I mean when you read back through it. The idea is to keep the reader inside the script.

The opening is wonderful, it is visual and the thought that this mother has 8 kids piled in that car make me wonder - where is he going with this and how well can he write this with 8 kids? But YOU DID IT! Good job.

Pg. 10 "looking to help Jewish people to get into heaven" - very interesting view point.

pg. 19 - capitalize the characters name: JULIE in your introduction

"you wanna be some hot shot big shot, have one point two kids, live in the suburbs in a big house with no love to fill a closet and retire to Florida to die like a raisin?"
Wonderful smooth diaglogue.

Cut down on your description:
pg. 59 you wrote: Pete sits by himself in a pew at church. Father Kelly, 71, snow white hair,skin cancered face, cantankerous old man, notices Pete and walks over.

I would rewrite that scene like this:

INT. HOLY CROSS CHURCH - MINUTES LATER
FATHER KELLY in his seventies notices Pete sitting alone in the pew.

go back through your script and re-write your descriptive lines and cut it down like that. Say more with less words and still get the desired intent of the description.

Pete reminds me of the kid in 'Home Alone'. I liked that.

Pgs. 62-63 The dialogue between Father Kelly and Pete is wonderful - just near perfect writing.

Pg. 65 - "wife considers it a form of adultry" - lol
pg. 73, 74 - lesson for Joes character growth nicely done.

pg. 78 - You told me about risk/reward
Use and and remove the slash. It reads like a memo

Pg. 80 - fix line: where are Dad and going?
pg. 87 - JIMMY BURN capitalize his name in the Introduction.

pg. 89 - "go give your friend the host"
that was a great line after the banter between Pete and Father Kelly.

Okay, I think if you went back through your script and remove ALL OF THE CONTINUE AT THE BOTTOM OF EACH AND EVERY PAGE, fix your spelling errors and grammer errors and re-do your descriptive writing to less words. Your script will look polished.

Personally, I love the story, I think it is very moving and interesting and keeps my attention throughout. I also think it might be a hard sell to Hollywood for obvious reasons, but I would not in anyway let that stop me from shopping this around. Once it is polished up - you have a wonderful s/p.

One more suggestion is think of a different title. Stolen Summer had the feel of a romance gone bad.

HEAVEN'S QUEST
WHO CAN GET TO HEAVEN
IS ANYONE IN HEAVEN THAT I KNOW

I don't know, but I would change the title.

I predict it will move up to top 10.

Good Luck,

Pickel

posted 01-15-2001 02:15 PM            

'THE LITTLE CONVERT'

'THE CONVERSION'

'FAITH'

'PETE'S CRUSADE'

'PETE O'MALLEY'

I don't know. Start a thread for ideas for the title.

I really liked the scene when Pete goes into the church to take the host and Father Kelly catches him. Run lines and see if it would fit in the time frame for the video. I think that scene tells your story in the shortest amount of time, it's with the star, Pete and it's funny when he tells of his quest to convert a Jew so he can get in heaven and the Father responds with go give your friend the host. If the actor of the Father says the line right, it's funny. Then you leave your audience with a smile.

Scenes that stick out in my mind are the opening with the mother and all of those kids in that car - what a nightmare and it's funny, the scene of mother telling dad that Patrick is going to college (but I wouldn't use that one), the boys at the beach on Lake Michigan where they are going to do the swim, Pete telling Danny that a Jew can't get into heaven might be a good scene too.

Whatever you decide to shoot, I'd use Pete in the scene and I find an actor as cute as the Home Alone character. It draws the audience in (with close ups on his face)

Sensitive subject matter, however, I think you wrote it exceedingly well and I maybe ..
would try shopping the script (after you polish it up) at Warner Bros. Send a really good query letter to the top. I'll take a look at your log line again and see if I think it needs anything. It's about sales which is different than writing the script. It's a different kind of a story that's why I think you can sell it. But you really have to polish it up. Fix all of the spelling and grammar errors and any little detail. I think for this script - you do have to be a cut above. Don't give them a reason to turn it down. The characters really come alive around Pete. And I'd send a query to John Hughes. This is the type of story that he likes to do.

Hope this helps.

Pickel

Also, I think that scene - done well- gives the feeling like the Home Alone kid, sweet, innocent - who wouldn't want to love him and HELP HIM OUT! or you the writer.

I'll check out the log line and post it back here if I think I can embellish it at all.

posted 01-15-2001 02:47 PM            

I embellished your current log line which is A young boys search to discover the meaning of life so as to uncover the keys to heaven.

'KEYS INTO HEAVEN'

I just keep those ideas coming.

Hope it helps.

posted 01-15-2001 02:50 PM            

-Allen

posted 01-15-2001 03:07 PM            

Damn, I hope you're a woman cause I'm more comfortable falling in love with a woman than a man. My wife would be too. Thanks for the encouragement and the constructive criticism. Your new log line is great and I love "keys to heaven", however, it's got "heaven" in the title. I guess I might have to stop being afraid of "quest", "heaven", and "faith" in the title when that's what the movie is about. Originally, I called it "faith quest", but it almost sounds like a religious adventure story. That ain't selling.

As far as scenes, I'm sort of choosing between the first scene in the car or the scene when pete sets up the lemonade stand with the rabbi. Of course, that's all predicated on making the top 10, but it's stupid not to prepare. The first scene would be tough due to the amount of actors and action, but if done well, should be visual. The scene with the rabbi and pete has good dialogue, somewhat funny and touching, easier to film, but not as visual. Tough call!

posted 01-15-2001 05:17 PM            

I disagree about the scene with Pete and Father Kelly not being as visual. Picture an old Catholic Church - inside all ornate and stained woods, use perfect lightening (that's key) and the camera sees the back of Pete's head as it comes up the aisle...at the height of Pete rather than above him shooting down, then enters Father Kelly and film the rest of the scene from Father Kelly's angels etc...You know how to do this I'm sure.

Shoot it the way you wrote it.

Or if you shoot the opening -
Just get an old stationwagon and the neighborhood kids to pile in it - forget about actors - the kids will do the job - all by themselves. hehe
little joke for ya.

If it were me, this is what I would do...I'd film a couple of scenes from the script and then I'd show it to some people see their reaction to it and pick what works.

posted 02-20-2001 06:16 PM            

Sorry, last line is obvious and weak, but I'm off my game right now. I'm trying to diet so at the party I only look 40 pounds overweight and this dieting is just making me angry. PIZZA! Pizza makes me happy. Topped off with a shake. I'm hungry, Pickel.

posted 02-21-2001 02:31 PM            

So besides trying to waste away the accumulated body enhancements - how did the 3 minute video shoot go? Was it fun in the pouring rain? hehe Did you get to shoot that scene or did you have to go for another scene?

Tell me all about it.

And when you get hungry - open the bag of chips, eat one, close the bag up. Of course there always is 1 900 Jenny.

I can't wait to see your video.

Sweet Pickel

(make you hungry just think'in about it doesn't it?) Pickels on hamburgers, slice of pickel on a nice turkey sandwich, relish on a hot dog, dijon mustard and a pickel on rye with ham....then, of course, there is just the classic dill pickel - yummy

posted 02-23-2001 12:46 AM            

The 1st shoot went beautifully, but the sky was angry that day. And the cars were loud. And after seeing it edited, I just felt I could do it better. So I shot a second time. And it had its problems, like only 3 hours to shoot and a bad, low audio hum, but I think it's better. I shot the scene between the priest and the kid talking in the church and my biggest worry is as a stand alone scene, people might think the script is some Bible belting preachy movie, which is ok, I guess, but not the film I want to make. It just was the best 3 minute scene to shoot for the contest.

Hope you like it.

posted 02-23-2001 02:21 PM            

Quid pro quo? Thems some political words thar Mr. Jones ....and you know how I loves political words. You must have heard me over at Grubby's place defending his script once again to call me a good critic - Ebert move over! Most of the time I'm being called a meanie reviewer. Now I say, Tuff See what GL has done to me.

I'm so happy about the scene you HAD to shoot cuz that was the scene I thought you should shoot in the first place. If they think it's a religious movie - who cares - they were suppose to have READ THE SCRIPT like the REST OF US DID.....so call em on it!

I'll calm down.

And did ya know Steamhams script made top finalist in Final Draft contest?

Did you know they have a tech now posting to us. I told her about my on - line GL proposal of marriage by another GL contestant. GL tech wanted to know who were my bridesmaids going to be and I was seriously thinking of you guys, but you'd have to wear a dress. I didn't think you would mind, but Bones and jonms might be a little more difficult sale on it. Then I realized my proposal of marriage was from a girl. Those handels can be confusing sometimes for the pickel. So the weddin's off! I'm strickly waiting for a manly man.

I can't wait to see your scene.

Talk to ya later.....I hear the call of the wild.....

Pickel,

Hey if I come back next year do you think I should change my handel to relish?

[This message has been edited by Pickel87 (edited 02-23-2001).]