Love Murder - Read like Father Dowling Mysteries mixed with Agatha Christie. Complex plot. I think it would be a much better book.

Criticism - Everyone seems to know too much. The exposition seems too informational. O Day seems to have it all figured out before there's an investigation. Mary seems to know more than she should also. It's almost make better sense if she were a maid (with as much as she knows, teaching at a Catholic school almost seems like the wrong occupation for a nosy old lady).

Praises - Martin is a simpathetic character. It's good that you didn't give him time to brood or stew in his downward spiral. I like the piano stuff mixed with the Perry Como song. Nice touch bringing that back later in the story.

Suggestion - I'd rewrite it. That's not to say that you need to change it drastically. The dialogue needs work. Maybe take some time to listen to people at a mall. Speech in drama is rhythm (that's something Neil Simon said). Work on your meter. And don't make your exposition too obvious by that I mean saying something like, "Hello, my brother whom I have not seen in ten years because we had a fight over who stole the cookies from the cookie jar."

These are just my opinions. Take it for what it's worth. I think there is promise in the story. Keep working at it.

Won't try to pitch it directly, but here's our latest review from Lizzie Bordon, Director of "Working Girls"..seems like she missed the point a bit, but it is basically a thumbs up...

quote:

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dear megan,

i just wanted to tell you i enjoyed reading DRAGONFLY. i thought it was fascinating, however, i did feel that at times the 'fairy-tale' aspect was too obvious and also allowed one to predict too easily where the story was going; and also there felt like there were too many coincidences. i thought the characters were great as was the strange situation. but the fairy-tale basis made it seem a bit programmatic. anyway, just my advice... good luck with it!!!!

yours truly,

Lizzie borden

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And our response:

quote:

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Hi Lizzie -

It was great meeting you at the film festival. I felt a definite connection to you, and I thought your advice was very heartfelt. Unusual in this business. I hope we will connect up again someday...

Thanks for the read. We will continue to refine the story, but I think part of the charm is that it is a fairy tale within a fairy tale. That's what would make is so much fun to make! So, the coincidences in the "real" story are much like coincidences in fairy tales, and all together it creates a very warm, feel-good script.

We've sent it off to several small production companies and are continuing to shop it around. If you happen upon appropriate filmmakers, don't hesitate to pass it on to them.

Again, thanks for your time!

Megan

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After watching my finished short, it was much more bland (i.e. boring & plotless, as many inde films are..) than it was on the pages of the script.

One solution is to make the dialogue explicit and bold. (Of course it also helps to have a budget beyond $6000 and a history of directing experience.) I can't help but think directors who read our scripts are aware of the clarity that punchy dialogue brings to a story.

Dialogue is only one element, but I do tend to like intense and dramatic exchanges--and plots. I think it comes off better in the finished feature. And I have see A LOT of blazee Euro films where everyone looked great, but the subtlty ended up flat.

Of course, if you didn't like any Kevin Smith flicks (mixed with a little Kevin Williamson flicks), then stay away from it. I reviewed it for my mandatory and was pleasantly surprised by it.

I have to start out by saying that this story started out very similar to the one I submitted...but it ends nothing like mine. Just goes to show that there can only be so many plots out there.

Anyway, first of all...It was a fast read. I think that there were many parts that were hurried. I would have liked to see the relationship between Crash and Angel develop a little slower. I almost felt like you were anxious to get to the good stuff.

Criticism - the pacing is a little hurried. There were also some very funny jokes at the bar/club, BUT I didn't really follow how they fit into the rest of the story or even move the plot ahead (even though I'm always quick to laugh at midget jokes). Also, I didn't understand that Crash was all that unhappy and his decision to leave seems irrational. Maybe have him talk about that with Markus before he pulls the "dumb move."

Praises - There were some very tender moments that worked between Angel and Crash. The way they introduced each other to their secret worlds of night time swimming and the barn rooftop stuff was nice. The comic relief of Oz and Davis was also good. "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern meet Vladamir and Estregon" to quote Kevin Smith.

Suggestions - pay attention to details, you had your action description slip into the dialogue (which were obviously editing mistakes - hey we all do that). Take more time to develop the intial stuff with Angel and Crash. I think it will make for a better pay off.

Length: 99pages

Genre: Suspense/Horror/Phsycological Thriller

My story: I wrote this in less than three weeks, specially for the contest.

Although, I love monkeys...I love the sun too much to hide under my bed.

Here goes.

When I first started it, and got to the scene at the '800 building', I wasn't sure if I was going to like it or not. Vincent and the other guys came off so strong to me initially, I wondered if it would be possible to sustain their personalities and stay true to their characters the entire way though.

You indeed stayed true to your characters. Your character colorization and development are great. I did have a slight problem with Jay though, as often times to me he seemed to be there just so that Vincent would have someone to bounce off of, rather then have input and a voice of his own. He is the only character that I had any issue with.

Pamela was a great, great character. Her time on screen will not be much, but every minute she is there, she is engaging and entertaining, a true supporting character.

The writing is sharp in how the characters paths cross fluidly and realistically.

I had a wee bit of a problem with the ending though when Austin and Jessica 'hooked up'. Austin was such a real, tangible character in that he was in pain, and acted out, dealing with that pain. His immaturity at times and his grief at times and how he dealt with those things were great, but I didn't think he would 'hook up' so quickly and neatly at the end with Jessica because there was no way that he was over Shelly yet. I don't think he would have been open and ready for that yet.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed your story. I have to say, I find it funny that, all three of my mandatory reads were stories that had very detailed and incredibly elaborate settings, and twists and turns that didn't grab me. I think the writers were trying so hard to be creative and different, that they missed what is most important...interestings characters. Your script is a great example of how simple a plot can be, and the characters come jumping off the page. I wish it was one of my mandatories so that my review would have been included in your overall rating.

Okay...I have to start out by saying that I hate you...for writing such a great freaking script. It was a page turner. The characters were very engaging and dark. I don't want to give anything away to those who may chose to read it so I will only make general comments.

Criticism - you may have received this from others, but I felt there were too many flash backs (I could have done wihtout the ones with Matthew and Danny exchanging their stories about their past in the jacuzzi - I almost would have prefered to just hear them talk about it at different times in the story instead of all at once). That, I think was the only thing that was a minor speed bump in the story. That's not to say that the flash backs at the end weren't awesome. I had a hard time keeping up and those worked really really well. Sort of in a Usual Suspects, Suicide Kings kind of way.

Praises - You have an awesome command of language (discription and dialogue). So much, in fact, that it truly kept my eyes glued to the paper (I even took the story with me to the grocery store to finish it).

It was dark and entertaining. I can't say I liked the way it ended, but it made me think and that's good. My wife pointed out that it held similarities to that Michelle Pfiefer, John Malkovich, Glenn Close film that I won't mention just so other people can read your story and draw their own conclusions.

I thoroughly enjoyed the read. I hope you received favor from those that read your script as a mandatory for the competition. If not, I'm certain that this silly competiton won't keep you from a successful writing career. Good luck.

Thanks for the awesome remarks. I really appreciate the support. Funny to me that you should mention the ending...it was an afterthought on my part to add that little quirk at the end, but is one of the most talked about moments of the script by those who read it. Whether they like it or hate it, it is something that makes people think about the story as a whole and makes them try to 're' figure everything out. So I guess for that, it is a good thing.

After reading it, I am sure you understand my fears now that someone is going to read it and be offended by it, therefore grading it harshly, not because it is bad, but because they have personal issues with it.....so we will see!!!

Again..thank you soooo much more the great comments!!! Made my day!